


changing tides

by schwanenkoenigin



Series: only you pt. 1 [4]
Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 01:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19897375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwanenkoenigin/pseuds/schwanenkoenigin
Summary: prompt: camila wants lauren to do "that thing that makes her happy."





	changing tides

Today is one of those days that you cannot help but hate. It starts in the mornings, usually; you get up with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you something isn’t quite right. You don’t know why, you can’t put your finger on it; you’ve slept okay and your girlfriend is beside you and she smiles at you when you get up---and yet something is _up_. And, in the end, the day always turns out to be crap. 

So, yes, today is one of those days for Camila. Everything has been going... not well. The thing with her is---nothing really goes _wrong._ It’s not like she almost gets hit by car, then loses her job, and gets coffee spilt on an expensive blouse that she can’t wear ever again when she’s paid five hundred dollars for it. No. It never gets that far. She doesn’t break down crying at the bus station ten minutes from her and Lauren’s apartment. 

It’s minor things. But a lot of them. A customer at work says something in a tone that doesn’t go well with her, her coworker orders her to do something in annoyance that was probably originally directed at someone else, she sends an e-mail to her boss later that day and only realizes five minutes after that she’d made an embarrassing typo, her bus has a delay of a few minutes---it may not seem like a lot and, really, it most likely wouldn’t even bother her on any other day. But today, everything adds up, so by the time she unlocks the door to her apartment, she is completely down. 

Her head is hanging low, her eyes are tired. The table in the living room, the carpet she’s walking on, the hangers on the wall---everything looks so much less colorful today. Dull. Like they’re further away, too. Even the plants and posters. They don’t appeal to her today. She walks past them, doesn’t even look at them. They may as well not be there at all. 

The kitchen is a place she normally loves. Cooking, baking, singing, she does all of these things in it. And she loves to do them. Not today. She can’t bring herself to do the dishes that are piling up in the sink, can’t clean the table. She just sighs and walks right past the door.

All she wants to do is to sit on the couch right now. _To do what?_ , she wonders. In the end, she won’t want to do anything. No movie, no show, no game---nothing will seem worthy of her time. Everything will bore her. She will start watching something, and will turn it off after twenty minutes, too exhausted to keep her eyes focused on the screen. She will feel tired, still, and she won’t feel any excitement about new episodes of her favorite television series. And she will know that she’s felt like it before, but she will not have a clue on how to get herself out of the dullness. 

She never can. It always ends, of course, eventually; it isn’t pretty, however, going through it. Because she cannot seem to pull herself ashore. She’s floating near it, she isn’t in the middle of the ocean; she can almost feel the sand beneath her toes, but she can’t reach it. It is too far away. So close---yet so far. That’s what it feels like. Like being right next to what can save you, but not reaching it no matter how hard you try. You just have to wait for the tide to fall, for the ground to reach you, for _it_ to come to _you_ , because you have no power over the Earth, over the moon, over the universe. It is a sort of helplessness that you cannot explain to anyone who does not experience depressive episodes themself. 

At least Camila has Lauren. Her girlfriend is the best thing she could have ever asked for. It makes up for the way life has been treating her. Because loving Lauren feels like heaven. The adoration she has for her girlfriend is immense, it is unconditional, it is the most intense emotion she’s ever felt towards anyone. Being loved by Lauren feels even better. It is pure, it is exciting, it is breathtaking; it feels like wearing your favorite sweater on a cold winter’s day, like coming home to sleep in your own bed after having to sleep in one you absolutely do not like for weeks on end. It is beautiful.

The greatest thing about being with the raven-haired girl? Their physical intimacy. It isn’t all about sex---although that is great, too, of course---no, _hugs_ are really the most essential part of their relationship. Camila had never met anyone who is just as starved for cuddles as Lauren is. And now, with her, everything is _perfect_. Her skin is so soft, and she gives the most amazing hugs in the world. So amazing that the two of them spend all of their afternoons arm in arm on the sofa, that they spend all of their evenings holding hands at the dinner table.

 _That_ is what she hopes will save her day. Cuddling Lauren feels like the cure to all her problems. She knows, of course, that it _isn’t_ , but it is a good thought. That all that it takes after a bad day is for Lauren to open her arms, embrace her. That she will hold her until all of her tears have dried, until her darkest thoughts are gone. Chased away by sunshine. 

So Camila reaches for the lifering. She does not know where it has come from---maybe she had been too focused on trying to get out of the water altogether that she hadn’t noticed the lifesaver right next to her. It isn’t a boat, it will not get her anywhere, but it makes surviving a lot easier as she waits for the relief that will come with being back on land. It _is_ just in time, however, as she has been struggling on her own, in the deep water, to keep her head above water, clinging onto the hope that, sometime soon, the tides will fall, that she will finally be standing on solid ground again. But now there’s the ring, and she grips it tightly, not wanting to let go, not wanting to fall back into helplessness, out here in the open, where she’s vulnerable, naked. Her breathing is erratic, but she now knows that she will be staying alive, even if her muscles give out under the exhaustion, and that is enough to calm her down, even in this terrifying situation.

In a matter of minutes, Camila has relaxed considerably, and is now lying on the sofa, with a blanket haphazardly thrown over her thighs. She is scrolling aimlessly through her tumblr dashboard, but can’t find anything that even remotely makes her smile. It’s a shame, really, tumblr used to _really_ excite her, but now, she considers it nothing but a waste of time. Don’t get her wrong, though, she still goes on it regularly because where else does she get ridiculous discourse and call-outs all in one? Exactly, nowhere. Still, at the same time, it bores her, and she only spends a few minutes on it until she rolls her yes and switches over to her YouTube app, instead. 

Music is a kind of savior to her, too. Listening to her favorite songs is an experience she cannot put into words; the way the first bars evoke that well-known sense of familiarity is unexplainable and it, too, feels like coming home, much like Lauren’s presence does. Which is why Camila doesn’t mind waiting for the woman, now; as the second most beautiful sounds---only beaten by her girlfriend’s voice---reach her ear, drawing her in quite like nothing else can. She becomes completely lost in them, closing her eyes, shutting the world around her out. There is no need for her to pay attention to anything but the song. It is just her and it.

It is a nice distraction from her not-so-nice boredom until the love of her life comes back home to her. She cannot hear the door open today, her music blocks out any noise, but she does notice her come in---with her eyes still closed. It's the woman's scent, mostly; not perfume, not cologne, it's just _her_ ; Camila _knows_ when she enters a room. She immediately upon her girlfriend's return takes out the earplugs---she usually can't stand not listening to a song in its entirety, but this is a special occasion, the most special of occasions, in fact---and gets up from the couch as quickly as she can to greet Lauren.

"Hi," she says, "how was your day?" She stands next to Lauren while the woman is still taking off her bag, her jacket, her shoes, and adds, "I hope everything went well."

She doesn't get a reply right away, only once all the tasks have been finished, once her stuff has been put away neatly does Lauren say, "Today has been okay, thanks." 

Camila bites her lip. "Come cuddle? You can tell me about it."

Again, there is no answer. Instead, her hand is taken, and the two of them walk into the living room together, and they settle on the couch. Lauren sits down first, and Camila sits down in between her love's legs. "Nothing really happened," Lauren says quietly as they're enjoying their togetherness. "The only interesting thing we did was in linguistics. We spoke a bit about phonetics at the end of the lesson. It wasn't a lot, but..." She trails off.

Camila hums in contentment. She knows how much her girlfriend loves that particular topic. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, though."

"I did," Lauren agrees. "How was your day?"

A sigh leaves Camila's mouth, but besides that, she stays silent. She doesn't really want to ruin Lauren's day by worrying her. She contemplates not saying anything at all, but the silence must make her girlfriend suspicious.

"What happened?"

"I don't know," Camila says earnestly, "I'm just not… feeling great today."

Lauren's embrace becomes tighter. "I'm sorry, baby. Do you need something?" 

"You're the best," Camila says absentmindedly, "I only need you." They stay quiet for a long time, then. Lauren has made a habit of running her hands through Camila's hair when she's feeling down, so that is exactly what she starts doing, trying to make her feel better. Camila appreciates that her girlfriend picks up on those little things she likes. It makes her feel even more loved. "Seriously, babe. You're amazing," she voices her appreciation, "I love you so much. So, so, so much." 

Lauren stops playing with her hair, and instead pulls her even closer. Her hands are on either side of Camila's torso, making it impossible for anything to get in between them. "I love you too."

"Actually--" Camila suddenly turns her head, and Lauren's eyes meet her with a questioning gaze-- "I do need something."

"What is it?"

"Can you do that thing?" she asks. It's something else that Lauren does for her that she absolutely loves. 

"What thing?" Lauren says back, obviously confused as to what Camila is referring to. Her eyebrows are knitted.

"You know, the thing that makes me happy." Camila bites her lip again. She hopes Lauren understands what she means; she just wants to look at her forever, doesn't want words to disturb them any longer.

And Lauren does. "Oh," is all she says. Then, she starts smiling. It's a genuine smile, a big smile, a smile that is just for her. It's the best smile in the world and Camila is smitten. She can't help but smile back, her eyes now as bright as the sunshine hitting them through the window, and she gets up from the couch for a second, only to sit back down the other way so that she can bury her head in her girlfriend's neck.

This marks the turnaround. The water isn't quite gone yet, and Camila still cannot stand, not even on her tiptoes, but she can feel the tides changing, can feel the weather becoming better, can feel the sky clearing up. And she grips the lifering even harder, clings to it for dear life, for she is stronger now, and she knows that her savior has started out, will arrive soon.

It's Lauren, Lauren's smile, everything about Lauren, that lets her know that she won't have to fight alone in the cold water, that something or someone will always be there to fight with her. That there will be a lifering out there somewhere, that all she has to do is look for it, get to it, and that she will be able to either save herself, or that the tides will fall enough for her to stand on solid ground, or that she has enough help to be able to swim towards the lifeboat that sends her back to the shore.

Because of Lauren, Camila _knows_ she will survive. 


End file.
